My coming out of the closet (so to speak)
Great! I really got your attention! Today I feel like writing about exactly that – although perhaps not exactly as you envisioned it.
Since I can remember I have had this feeling that somehow I am just marking time. Very seldom have I ever felt as if I am doing what I need and want to do. Since I was a child I have had ideas that somehow seemed to differ from what people expected from me. At the age of about 9 or thereabouts I developed this fascination with horses. I would cut out pictures of racehorses from the newspaper every week and paste them religiously into a scrapbook. I would compare their “racing stats” and examine for hours the curve of their necks, the angle of the slope of the shoulder and a million other things. One day I proudly showed my Mom. She freaked out! (Love you, Mom!). Her reaction: “I hope you are not going to turn out to be a gambler like some other people I know!”. I think she was referring to my great-grandmother. I was hurt and confused. What was a gambler? How was what I was doing wrong? My fascination with horses continued a lot more “under the radar” after that.
Many years later I can look at the situation with different eyes in so many different ways. As at the time we were living in the city with no access to horses, I know that the things I was looking for in the horses are not from this lifetime. I have had dreams of leading horses out of stables, myself kitted out in those funny iron-like skirts which I suppose were Egyptian or Roman. A war-like setting. Anyhow, another story of things we just “know” and for my book one day. I realize, too, that my mother had no way of knowing what I was doing and ran the situation past her own frame of reference which is always based on past experiences and past outcomes. Last but not least, I said I had no intention of gambling, whatever that was, but would one day breed the best horses ever bred. I explained that by then I would know exactly what to look for. I can imagine – now – that it is not what an average 9 year old would do. I doubt if my mother would even remember the incident if I mentioned it to her, but it left me vowing not to share things that really mattered with anybody in the future.
The same situation presented itself often through my life. I tried hard to figure out what was expected of me. I managed to get through school without too many conflicts. I never really studied. I found the subject matter boring and could not see where it fitted into my life. Domestic science (cooking) at school was a nightmare. I had been cooking with my Swiss granny since before I went to school and found it excruciating to stick to the recipes and methodology. I was told I thought I knew better. I did. I did not dare tell the teacher that, though. I was a dreamer and a writer then already. We moved out to the country and I got my own horse so I could escape up the mountain on horseback and dream.
Bottom line – we all had dreams as kids…
What happened to yours?…..
Now, years later, I realized I was doing the same with my Numerology. Since I began studying it I have been gripped by the amount of information I can access to help other people. However, I soon realized that family avoided the subject. My own children begged me to stay “just a housewife” as they were traumatized at school by teachers and friends when they had speeches and had to talk about what their parents did. So they learnt to lie about their mother. I did the Numerology in secret. I saw clients when the kids were at school. I had marital problems at one stage and we ended up having counseling with a minister who said until I had burnt all my numerology books nothing would come right. Burning everything merely kept everybody else happy. It did nothing for my marriage. The kids did suddenly remember the names of their friends after that though, thinking I could no longer see the bad influences….LOL!!!
This year I have decided to “come out of the closet” with my Numerology. When I am doing a reading I feel energized and alive. I can`t wait to see my clients and love helping people find their calling in life. This year I have decided to live my life and my dreams. If friends disappear, it is okay. Others will come. My husband and children are happy for me to be who I am, especially since the children are not at school anymore.
So, my message today is this: Remember your dreams. Give yourself the gift of feeling truly alive and find a way to start living them. Become your authentic self. Be all that you would like to be… Find some alone time, relax, think back to those childhood dreams…
Until tomorrow – Dream!